Don't Lie To Me

One of my major pet peeves is lying. I really dislike being lied to. I prefer being told the truth, even if I don’t like what I hear, because at least it’s what is real.

The Lies We Help Keep

I realized the other day that sometimes I find myself supporting or participating in someone else’s lie. For example, a few friends came over the other day. I was inside the house with some of them while others were outside. When I went outside, I saw one of my friends had a cigarette in her hand. When she saw me, she promptly moved her hand behind her back so I wouldn’t see it. But I had seen it, and I chose not to say anything.

Afterward, I realized that by not saying anything, I was participating in her lie—in her hiding or pretending that she wasn’t smoking. I believe that by doing that, I supported her in whatever feelings and beliefs led her to think she had to hide the cigarette from me. Perhaps what I should have done was simply say, “What are you hiding there?” with a smile. Then we both could have honestly admitted and recognized that she was smoking. I would have had an opportunity to be nonjudgmental about it—hopefully—and she would have had the opportunity to be honest about her habit instead of hiding it, which is basically lying.

How many times we do that? We say something we don’t really mean, do something we don’t really want to do, or pretend to feel something we’re not really feeling. When we do that, we are not being truthful about what we feel, choose, or want. Sometimes we do it to avoid discomfort or to spare someone’s feelings. But there is a difference between choosing kind words and saying something untrue so another person will believe we feel differently.

A Lie Takes Work

The problem with a lie is that it then needs to be remembered and continued. If you lie to someone, saying you were not at a particular place but were somewhere else, then you need to remember that so you don’t inadvertently let slip that you were at the place you said you hadn’t been. Lying is exhausting. Maybe not in the moment. Maybe at that moment we think we’re taking the easy way out by not having to confront a situation or a truth. But in the long run, it’s exhausting because we have to continually monitor what we say in order not to get caught in our lie.

Worse, sometimes we get other people involved by saying, “Don’t tell so-and-so that I did this,” or “Don’t tell them that I said this or that I feel this way.” Then we get somebody else involved in having to lie for us.

This is quite clearly depicted in a line by Sir Walter Scott, which is often erroneously attributed to Shakespeare: “Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.”

Another problem that comes up when we lie to others is that, because we, as humans, are all somewhat telepathic—depending on how open we are to it. We often, subconsciously if not consciously, feel when someone is lying to us.

Also, when we are lying, we are putting up a wall or a barrier between us and the other person to stop them from seeing through our lie. And just like all walls, it does not stop just one thing; it stops everything. It stops good communication, love, and truth of all kinds. It stops the flow of energy between you and the other person because the lie puts up a barrier to protect itself from being discovered. It’s all very energy-consuming and not at all supportive of a good relationship.

Truth Without Cruelty

Being honest does not mean saying every thought that comes to mind. Sometimes the kindest thing is to choose not to voice an opinion that would only hurt someone. But we can do that without saying the opposite of what we believe. Here’s what I mean. Let’s say your friend walks in with a new hairdo, and you think it’s absolutely atrocious. The truth would be to say, “That hairdo is atrocious,” but that would not be kind or compassionate. However, our response still needs to be truthful. To say, “Oh, I love that haircut,” when you hate it is, first, a lie and, second, not helpful, because your friend may just keep getting that haircut, thinking it looks great because you told her so.

I remember reading about a man who, when he first went to his new mother-in-law’s house and she served him a dish he hated, said that he loved it and that it was his favorite dish. The consequence was that every time he visited his mother-in-law, she prepared that dish because she thought he loved it.

There are consequences to our being dishonest, some more serious than others. But I think there is always a way to tell the truth without being hurtful. You could say, “That’s a very interesting dish. I’ve never had that before.” For the haircut, you could say basically the same thing, or something similar, without having to lie or commit yourself to a statement that is untrue.

Honesty Begins with Us

Since all change has to start with us, we can start by asking ourselves, before we make a statement or comment, Is this true? Am I speaking the truth or just trying to please someone? Am I being honest or trying to hide behind a façade? We can also ask ourselves whether there is a gentler way of speaking the truth.

I remember when I first had employees, I would sometimes speak my truth to them about the quality of their work, but I did not do so in a gentle or kind manner. I just spoke bluntly, exactly as the words came out of my mouth, without a filter and without prior reflection. However, I learned through experience that words can be hurtful and that we can speak our truth using different words and a different presentation, so that the truth is still there but the energy is kinder—not harsh or hurtful.

I remember, as a young adult, a guy I had gone on a date with saying to me, “You’re sure honest.” At the time, I didn’t quite understand the problem. My response was, “Well, yes. Aren’t we supposed to be honest?” To this day, I don’t recall what I said to him that prompted that comment, but it probably was something a little too blunt and thus possibly unkind. Luckily, we can learn from experience to be more compassionate and to practice kindness even while being truthful with others—and especially while remaining truthful to ourselves.

Another area where truth gets stretched, or where we lie outrightly, is in the dating scene. We want to make a good impression; we want to be liked, so we lie, embellish, and make up traits that we don’t really have.

The thing about lying to others about who you are is that it will sap your self-esteem. It will hurt your own opinion of yourself because you will then see yourself as a liar, as someone who is afraid or unwilling to stand up for your truth, as someone who can’t be trusted. This will be harmful to your own well-being and state of mind. Being honest with ourselves and with others, I believe, is a very important step in attaining harmony within ourselves.

Sometimes, the truth we withhold from others may be exactly what they need to hear. You may not be doing them a favor by not telling them. If your friend is getting ready to go out to a business meeting and you notice that she has something on her teeth but don’t say anything, maybe you’re being polite, but you’re definitely not being helpful. It is better to be honest and share the truth with the other person.

When it comes to sharing your truth, which sometimes might be an opinion, it’s good to explain, “This is how I see it. You might not see it this way, but I just want to share it with you so you can consider it.”

I completely agree with the saying that “honesty is the best policy.” If we were willing to be honest with ourselves and with each other, there would be a lot less hypocrisy, a lot less fakeness, and a lot less lying. Thus, there would be fewer barriers between us—barriers built around all the things we’re trying to hide from others, whether it’s our opinion, something we did or didn’t do, or something else.

Let’s be honest with each other, but let’s be honest kindly. We don’t have to be harsh or hurtful. We can speak our truth gently and with kindness.

When Lies Cause Harm

Our responsibility to speak honestly extends beyond our personal relationships. We also need to pay attention to what businesses and politicians tell us—and to what they leave out.

Unfortunately, lying has become common in our society, if not outright accepted. We see it in advertising, where we are told that a particular product will make us happy, is the best product on the market, or makes some other claim that is either a lie or an exaggeration or sales pitch. We see it in politics, where we are promised all kinds of things in order to get our votes. After the vote is over, the promises are at times, either forgotten or, worse, turned into the opposite of what was promised.

There are, of course, businesses lying to consumers with disastrous results. What comes to mind is the example of the tobacco industry. They had done research, and they knew that smoking was harmful to people’s health. Yet they chose not only to hide that truth but also to proceed with their plan of selling tobacco to as many people as possible, even while knowing that it was harmful. And these days, we have similar instances in dealing with pharmaceutical drugs in which the side effects are known, yet the call to profit is stronger than the call to being kind to fellow human beings and not exposing them to products that are harmful.

One consequence of our being lied to by businesses, corporations, big pharma, and politicians is that we may become jaded and distrustful of others. We may begin to believe that everyone is a liar and that we live in a world where we cannot trust our fellow human beings. This is a really sad state of affairs. If we can’t trust each other, how can we love each other? If we can’t believe what we are being told, how can we be at ease with the reality around us? We may become so mistrustful that we stop believing we can make a difference and give up not only on speaking our truth but also on seeking the truth.

The French writer Voltaire spoke of people who choose to make us believe absurdities or to have us give up our capability to think and reason. This can lead us to commit injustices or support evil deeds. So the lying that is done either by us or to us can lead to consequences that are much more dire than the original lie.

If we blindly accept what we are being told, this is how we can be led to not only accept lies but also accept atrocities and even possibly participate in them. I think of the situation in World War II Germany, where people were told lies not only about Jewish people but also about artists, gypsies, intellectuals, people who were not of the Aryan race, and people who were not perfectly healthy, whether in mind or body. People accepted these lies, and it led them to accept the atrocities and killings committed against these people. When we accept lies without questioning or rebutting them, we can stop living and expressing our own truth, and become caught in a horrible trap.

Weeding the Lies from Our Garden

It’s a bit like an invasive plant. You may bring in one of those plants into your yard and think, “Oh, it’s only one. It’s not a big deal.” But the plant spreads and spreads and takes over until it kills everything else that lived in that area. All of a sudden, all there is is that invasive plant—or, in the case of our metaphor, the lie—which has destroyed everything that was good before it. People come to believe the lie because they've heard it so many times.

As every good gardener knows, it is important to eradicate the weeds as soon as we spot them. If we let them grow, they become harder to get rid of, and at some point they may become impossible to get rid of. So let’s start paying attention first to our lies: how we lie and why. Then let’s open our eyes and ears and use our power of reasoning to recognize the lies we are told, the lies that are around us, and start eradicating them one by one. To do this, we have to face them, admit that they are a lie, seek the truth, and speak the truth.

This world is our garden. We need to keep weeding out the lies so that truth and kindness can grow.